i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
