my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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