first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
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