I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
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