I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
