she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize
