I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
