yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
