I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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