Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
