I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
