From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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