I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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