we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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