Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
