Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
