Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
