I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
