Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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