And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
