im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
