So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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