Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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