OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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