i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
