How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
