4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Randomize
