so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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