brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
