I think my vagina is haunted
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
