piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
