doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
