I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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