sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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