woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
