I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
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