her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
40s are totally the cure
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Randomize
