'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
