Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I wish there were birth control emojis
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
