Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
