tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
