You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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