I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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