i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
