a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
