omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Randomize
