I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
