I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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