your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
you will always have a special place in my vag
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
