I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
