So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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