ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
