If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
